In 1995, psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman published a book introducing most of the world to the nascent concept of emotional intelligence. The idea–that our ability to understand and manage emotions greatly increases our chances of success–quickly took off, and it went on to greatly influence the way people think about emotions and human behavior. But what does emotional intelligence look like, as manifested in everyday life?

1. You think about feelings.

Emotional intelligence begins with what is called self- and social awareness, the ability to recognize emotions (and their impact) in both yourself and others.

2. You pause.

The pause is as simple as taking a moment to stop and think before you speak or act. (Easy in theory, difficult in practice.) This can help save you from embarrassing moments or from making commitments too quickly.

3. You strive to control your thoughts.

You don’t have much control over the emotion you experience in a given moment. But you can control your reaction to those emotions–by focusing on your thoughts. (As it’s been said: you can’t prevent a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep it from building a nest.)

4. You benefit from criticism.

Nobody enjoys negative feedback. But you know that criticism is a chance to learn, even if it’s not delivered in the best way. And even when it’s unfounded, it gives you a window into how others think.

5. You show authenticity.

Authenticity doesn’t mean sharing everything about yourself, to everyone, all of the time. It does mean saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and sticking to your values and principles above all else.

6. You demonstrate empathy.

The ability to show empathy, which includes understanding others’ thoughts and feelings, helps you to connect with others. Instead of judging or labeling others, you work hard to see things through their eyes.

7. You praise others.

All humans crave acknowledgement and appreciation. When you commend others, you satisfy that craving and build trust in the process.

8. You help others benefit from criticism.

Negative feedback has great potential to hurt others’ feelings. Realizing this, you reframe criticism as constructive feedback, so the recipient sees it as helpful, instead of harmful.

9. You apologize.

It takes strength and courage to be able to say you’re sorry. But doing so demonstrates humility, a quality that will naturally draw others to you.

10. You forgive and forget.

Hanging on to resentment is like leaving a knife inside a wound. While the offending party moves on with their life, you never give yourself the chance to heal.

11. You keep your commitments.

It’s common nowadays for people to break an agreement or commitment when they feel like it. Of course, bailing on an evening of Netflix with a friend will cause less harm than breaking a promise to your child or missing a major business deadline.

12. You help others.

One of the greatest ways to positively impact the emotions of others is to help them. Most people don’t really care where you graduated from, or even about your previous accomplishments. But what about the hours you’re willing to take out of your schedule to listen or help out? Your readiness to get down in the trenches and work alongside them?

13. You protect yourself from emotional sabotage.

You realize that emotional intelligence also has a dark side–like when individuals attempt to manipulate others’ emotions to promote a personal agenda or for some other selfish cause.

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